Faux Flatulence and How to Exonerate Yourself

(June 2004)

As Ben crosses one leg over another, the rubber sole of his shoe catches the vinyl chair in front of him, vibrating at a pitch that might make those sitting around him consider putting their shirts over their noses. But they won’t, of course. That would be too embarrassing—not necessarily for them, but for whoever was responsible for the public no no. And, if someone in the drop zone does put his shirt over his nose, or exclaims, “Eww, who did that,” then he runs the very real risk of being thought the dealer who dealt what he heard. So, what is Ben to do? First of all, he’s not sure if they even heard the noise, because if they did, no one would reveal it. Therefore, he can’t simply break the silence and blurt, “That wasn’t what it sounded like. It was just my shoe rubbing against the chair.” He might be thought insane. His only course of action is to do it again. Again?! Yes, again. Perhaps three or four more times. But they will all have to be subtle, like he didn’t intend them. And he’ll have to make each successive one less similar in sound than its predecessor. This will assuage the listeners’ ears by guiding them through the transition from the original sound to the new, less flatulence-like and more vinyl-meets-rubber-like sound. Then they’ll make the connection, and all will be okay.